Assume They Might Know Something - Part 3

 This blog is designed to give people an inner look at a devotional life. Taking time each day to spend time with the Lord. The hope is if you travel on this journey with Rev. Jacob Shaw, you may be more inclined to spend time with the Lord as well. I encourage the use of a devotional, a scripture reading and prayer, then finally some form of artistic mark or photo to tie it all together. 

Today's devotional is taken from: Peterson, Jordan B. 12 Rules for Life: an antidote to chaos. Great Britain: Penguin Random House, 2018. Rule 9: Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t, pp. 245-256

Opening Thought: A lot is covered in the final 11 pages of this section of 12 Rules. And, as I am still recovering from Hand Foot and Mouth, which my children were so kind to pass along to their father, my fingertips are not enjoying the continual tapping of keys as they normally do. So, for this week I’m going to try to condense a lot of thought into a few words. The practical element of these last pages was trying to practice active listening. Peterson refers to Carl Rogers, one of the twentieth century’s great psychotherapists, as Rogers concluded that most people didn’t have a skill set for ‘listening’. Rogers concluded that listening is an act of vulnerability, another person's story or opinion may end up changing us, so we spend more time on defensive strategy while listening than actually allowing another person's words to truly resonant with us.  To help break down that habit, Rogers encourages the listener to fully reiterate the statement of the person to who they were listening. If the original speaker affirms the listener's reiteration then the conversation can continue, but if there is something missing or left out then they try again. This tactic I have come across in texts which aim to build a strategy for mediation. Reiterating a speaker’s words to them shows them that they have been heard and that they have been understood. Now, this method does not mean you have to agree or affirm the speaker’s position, rather it means you respect and care enough about them as a person to listen to their story. You can just as easily challenge their opinion after active listening, and you will do it more efficiently too, as you will have taken the time to hear them out.

This practice of active listening is hard to maintain. We all want to be heard, so it takes discipline to control the impulse of wanting to be heard, while also maintaining a focus on what is being said.

Opening Prayer: Lord, help us to really see and hear our neighbours as Your creations, made in Your image. When we listen, we become receptive to a person’s being and experience, and in those moments, we become vulnerable to each other, and in those moments, we become a community, sharing in the image you spoke into our being. Help us with this each and every day. Amen.

Scripture: James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry,

Reflection: I find in my day-to-day life as clergy, many people want me to listen to their cause. Sometimes their cause is that person's struggle and they are seeking affirmation for their position within that struggle. Other times it is a socio-political position which they want to have the minister on their side for. Other times it is just a rant about the ongoing stress and tensions of life, and they just want to feel like someone is backing their race through life. It can be surreal to be on the receiving end of these conversations because often I don’t relate to their cause. I can be empathetic to their emotions, even if I don't fully grasp why they are affected the way they are.  Often, their struggles are situations my personality would never put myself into, their socio-political causes are often counter to my personal opinions and beliefs about what is right and true, and the ongoing grind they face is often the most relatable but only on the level of the pressure of the stress itself, the cause of the stress is often things I would never have to experience based on my life circumstances.

Often after I am done listening, I have to check in with my own thoughts. I call this “debriefing”. I run through my internal reactions to the conversation which had been presented, and ask myself, “did they feel heard at that moment?” “were my responses genuine and honest” and “did I leave room for them to continue in their sharing?”.

The biggest challenge is when I disagree with something which is being said. The biting of the tongue is a discipline clergy know too well. Well, many of us anyways. Something which I employ to help myself avoid jumping down someone’s throat when someone says something I believe to be fundamentally incorrect is something that came from Ravi Zacharia who said, and I am paraphrasing here, behind every world view is a world viewer. Behind every statement that comes from a person's mouth, has years of influence, experience, and emotion behind it. Even if I did have reason and proof to correct someone’s statement, cause, or position, the likelihood of that exchange bearing any fruit, without the speaker first feeling like they have been heard, is slim to nil.

Actively listening is a genuine pursuit, you cannot actively listen without making yourself open and vulnerable to the other person’s held image of the divine. So if you want to make a real impact on the lives of people, and possibly share the Gospel with them in a way that will actually change their life for the better, you are going to have to get real with the person and that means making an honest and vulnerable connection with them.    

Challenge for the Week: Sit down with a person and agree with them to practice actively listening. After one of you has shared a thought or feeling, have the other person reiterate, beginning with the words “so what I hear you saying is …”. After you have done this a few times, add another step: after one reiterates what was heard, add in a variation of this question, “tell me more." Invite the person to add more detail or to continue on their exploration of their thoughts and feelings.

Prayer for your week: Lord, bless our ears so they might listen. Bless our eyes so they might observe, bless our mouths that they may find the courage to stay silent for as long as the Spirit needs them to. In Christ's name, Amen.

Final Thought and Picture: Peterson equates ideal conversation to listening to great music. So, spend some time listening to music that just lights your soul on fire. Then remember that feeling, the next time you’re in a conversation, ask yourself, does this conversation light me up or if there is room for improvement.