Do Not Let Your Children Do Anything That Makes You Dislike Them - Part 1

 This blog is designed to give people an inner look at a devotional life. Taking time each day to spend time with the Lord. The hope is if you travel on this journey with Rev. Jacob Shaw, you may be more inclined to spend time with the Lord as well. I encourage the use of a devotional, a scripture reading and prayer, then finally some form of artistic mark to tie it all together. 

Today's devotional is taken from: Peterson, Jordan B. 12 Rules for Life: an antidote to chaos. Great Britain: Penguin Random House, 2018. Rule 5: Do Not Let Your Children Do Anything That Makes You Dislike Them, pp. 111-123

Opening Thought: Going into this chapter I felt minor anxiety in the background of my mind. This fifth rule will speak to the fundamental dynamic between parent and child and as a new member of the parent’s club, as I am now the father of two very young children, many of my daily thoughts revolve around how to best parent in situations. My youngest still being an infant is straightforward (minus the long waking nights with little sleep). My oldest is entering his “terrible twos” as they call it. I so far have mostly enjoyed this stage, my son’s understanding of the world around him is growing, he is learning that he has some autonomy, and he is exercising that autonomy each day, trying to find the balance of what is fun and what will prevent “ouchies”. He is also trying to understand where his parents fit into all of this. When children are infants, their developing minds see their parents as an extension of themselves. When you get to the toddler age, there is a separation, the child begins to realize they are unique and other people are not them, and this lesson can be fun but also extremely challenging. And, like anything that is challenging, it is often pivotal in one’s growth – also meaning that things can go wrong within the challenges.

Peterson speaks to this reality that sometimes parents, in an attempt to avoid the conflicts with their children in these challenging times, cram the metaphorical soother back in their child’s face, infantizing them beyond their child’s natural development. As a result, these children will find struggle.

I believe that Peterson brings this rule up for several reasons. First, many people who would be struggling in life may be suffering from the results of their parents isolating them from proper development. Second, many people reading this will be or may become, parents themselves and thus it is better to be aware of this and limit the future necessity for more trauma. Third, I believe people will often parent themselves as they were parented as children. If your parents didn’t expect anything of you, nor did they expect you to show respect, then likely you will continue to govern your life with the same demands on yourself. Fourth, this chapter, from what I can tell, is about boundaries and rules. Good parents give their children “responsible freedom”, enough autonomy for their children to explore and grow, but not too much where the child could become self-led beyond their means. Fifth, the world around us, at least so far as Western culture is concerned, has taken a fashionable-pop cultural approach to rules and boundaries and in many ways is trying to erode many of the rules and boundaries which have developed over the centuries of human history. This is a dangerous gamble, to say the least, rules do not form arbitrarily (some may be outdated, but the motivations and reasoning for said rules are more often than not still relevant to a degree). So, if you were raised in an unstable environment, and then society begins to crumble in a cultural shift (or war), then that won’t leave the struggling individual a lot to hold on to.

Opening Prayer: Father of fathers, be with us. Help us to toddle out into the world and explore while still holding on to the guidance, regulation, and boundaries You have offered to us through Your revelation. Help us to be balanced children, as well as properly nurturing adults. Amen.

Scripture Brought to Mind: Acts 5:29

But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men.”

Reflection: There is a tendency in society, as Peterson points out, to see children as purely good entities. That is to say that if children were left to their own devices, beyond the reach of the “corrupt societal influences”, they would grow to be loving and kind all on their own. This thinking is truly a fairy tale and should be understood as such. We humans have a habit of creating idols to worship. Often those idols are sex, money, and power, however, there are other idols out there too which can lead you astray. One common one is “nature”, which I believe to a degree influences this misunderstanding of nature. Many people put nature on a false pedestal, often saying they get their spirituality from nature. This is easy to say if you're standing on a calm beach somewhere or listening to the birds sing in the woods. But nature is vaster than the pretty scene we long to engage with. Nature is also hurricanes, cancer, fungi that eat ants alive from the inside out, and chimpanzees that will rip former packmates’ limbs from their bodies. Sure, nature has beauty, but for the most part, it is a savage and painful existence. We tend to put children in the category of puppies, butterflies, and nice walks on the beach. We somehow have come to assume that the destructive and violent reality of nature, which we also see in adult humans mind you, is just missing in the child stage.

It may sound like I am being pessimistic, but really, I am optimistic, because humanity has great potential. Throughout our existence, we have cultivated societies to rise above our animal natures. We have adopted rules and boundaries to encourage civility between people. For the cultivation of children into functioning adults, we have adopted manners, etiquette, and discipline. We established rules of human society and, as Peterson points out, the larger our societies have become the less violent and murderous we have become. We set proverbial “NO” signs around us to make sure we are constantly moving towards the better.  

We need to teach our children what “No” means because it gifts the children with a future of healthy independence and responsible freedoms.  

Beyond human rules, laws, and boundaries, the religious have sought out the laws of God. Seeking to obey God is to seek always the high freedoms and respect the boundaries set by good with the utmost respect and appreciation. It is trying to walk a life of the highest order. But it will be hard to do that if no one ever instills in us a sense of discipline because being a disciple of Jesus requires us to say “no” from time to time.     

Continual Work: Look at your life, where do you need to hear the word “no”? We have many behaviors that likely need correcting. If you were your own parent trying to raise yourself up to be the very best you, what kind of boundaries would you need to set in order for you to succeed?

What Rev. Jacob is Working On: As a parent to a toddler, I will be working on this every day, trying to teach my kids to follow the rules, and set a good example by following those rules too.

Prayer for your week: God, make us aware of the law written upon our hearts. The law that tells us right and wrong, that gives us a conscience to follow towards Your righteousness, and our well-being. In Christ’s name, Amen.

Artistic Close: When looking online for an image for today’s post, I searched “rules” and “boundaries” and most of the images I found had negative associations with rules and boundaries.  There is this obsession in the current age with what many assume is personal expression and freedom. However, freedom is not something that is truly grasped until you learn self-control; if you are subject to your impulses and wants, then you are enslaved by them. Boundaries, rules, and regulations help us become free of chaos and immaturity so we can truly enjoy the gifts of life. No person understands the importance of rules, regulation, and boundaries quite like the sports player. If you don’t have an agreed-upon set of rules, then you have no game to play.